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Submitted by: Greg Garner
There has been some controversy in the past about the effects of jogging, both positive and negative, on the human body. The last several decades has seen a growing movement of people who are on a quest for good health and longer life. Everywhere you turn there are people jogging about, trying to improve their cardio and lose weight. However, there are certain people who should not jog and certain places that should not be jogged in. I am one of those people and my neighborhood is one of those places.
Just One Good Drag
People like me should not jog unless there is someone jogging behind us with a CPR certification and is dragging a defibrillator. For us, jogging is a much more dangerous proposition. It is difficult to jog with a cigarette dangling from you lips. The smoke gets into your eyes and you could trot right into a tree. If you have ever seen someone like us trying to jog then you already know that it is not a pretty sight. We are the ones vomiting off the side of the road and struggling to get a full drag off our Marlboro. At this point, we have thirty feet down and 5,250 to go to complete the mile goal.
Power Pizza
Another downfall to jogging for people like me is energy. Most joggers get their energy from power bars and electrolyte infused water. We get ours from pizza and beer. Have you ever tried eating a pizza while you jog? We know that it cannot be accomplished. The beer gets all fizzy and is impossible to suck through those little straws in the plastic jogging cups that runners carry. Unless we are jogging circles around a 7-Eleven and a Pizza-Hut, the point is moot.
Check His Pockets
Perhaps the biggest downfall to jogging in my neighborhood is the message it sends. Around here, if you are running, you are usually being chased. When neighbors see me jog past their house, they assume that I must have stolen the fancy new jogging suit I’m wearing, otherwise, I’d be carrying a TV. The rest of the neighborhood begins flushing illegal drugs down the toilet in the off chance I am being chased by a police officer and I decide to hide in their house.
Presumed Guilt
Others around here have tried the jogging routine and had to learn the hard way. Jog down certain streets around here and the next thing you know there are several pit bulls chasing you. If you are lucky, you will be an Olympic sprinter and make the nearest tree before they catch up. In addition, around here, if the police see you running, they also assume you just did something and detain you while they wait for the call on it.
Ashes To Ashes
Finally, people like me are not built for running. If we were, God would have made us taller than we are wide, like everyone else. If we ever do decide to take up jogging, we will take the bus to the medial center and jog in the parking lot. There is bound to be someone with a CPR certification there.
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